Monday Run Report – Week 6 Training

Thursday – 4 Miles, Check!

I’m going to stop bitching about how cold it is because apparently, kids, Santa came to town early and he brought motherf&cking Mr. Snowface or whatever the hell that guy’s name is with him and that’s just the way it’s gonna be forever now.

I may be getting my Christmas movie characters mixed up. Whatever, I’m typing this with a series of eye-blinks because my fingers are currently the consistency of that turkey you forgot to defrost last Thanksgiving.

I tackled Thursday’s run with much the same attitude that a Gazelle has as it’s being chased by a Cheetah who has dinner on his mind. Except in this case, instead of running away from a dangerous four-legged predator, I was running away from obesity and shame. But it still counts.

That’s not to say that Thursday’s run was all bad. But mostly it was.

The one highlight was when I got stopped – yes, stopped – by another runner. I thought at first that I might have forgotten pants again. Blessedly, I hadn’t.

No, she wanted to ask me about my shoes.

“Are those Asics?” She asked me, jogging-in-place like a lunatic because seriously who does that.

“Yes.” Are you going to steal them? Are you sane? Are you going to capture me and make a windchime out of my genitals? I didn’t ask.

“You know, you should really try barefoot running. It’s a lot better for you.” She helpfully pointed down to indicate her pair of Vibram whateverthosethingsarecalled. I swear to God some huckster with a foot fetish and a dream came up with those. And he’s sitting in a mansion somewhere and I’m working for the man.

This is how I picture the genesis of the Vibram FiveFinger shoe.

“Okay.” I said, finishing the rest of the sentence in my head as I ran off. You crazy hippie. Also thank you for not killing me.


Saturday – Timed 5k run, Check!

For Saturday’s run, I got a slight reprieve from the polar vortex here in Fort Worth when I traveled up to Omaha, Nebraska.

And by “slight reprieve” I mean that it snowed two inches. So the opposite of “reprieve”, I guess.

My in-laws’ reaction when I told them I was excited for the snow. They live in Omaha. It snows a lot there.

Yes, walking contradiction that I am, I was excited to go running in the snow.

Despite all my bitching about the cold the last few weeks, running in snow was a new experience for me, and I always get excited about new experiences.

My in-laws’ reaction when I told them I planned to RUN in the snow.

“Don’t do it!” my in-laws cried.

“You’ll break a leg!” their neighbors said.

“Please don’t get yourself killed.” Sarah pleaded, for the umpteenth time in our storied marriage.

But I’m a renegade. And, as time has testified again and again, a bull-headed idiot. I was determined to do it.

I departed my in-laws’ house wearing my TCU zip-top and some running shorts. It was all I had brought with me.

I’ll go ahead and put this in writing, online, in public, just for you Sarah – you were right. Save this. Savor this moment.

I was so cold. But by the time I realized it, the front door had already shut behind me (Sarah was no doubt speed-dialing our attorney to make sure my affairs were in order), and my pride wouldn’t allow me to go back inside.

So run I did. I ran. I ran so Goddamn fast, mainly because I was convinced that if I stopped I’d freeze solid to the ground and alien archaeologists would dig my perfectly preserved body up hundreds of years later and say “THIS is why the species died off!

Sarah’s (rightfully smug) reaction when I reappeared on the doorstep in ice-cicle form.


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About Carter Schimpff

Husband. Marketer. Fort Worth runner. TCU alum. Rugger. CrossFit enthusiast. Running enthusiast. Blogger. Aspiring Ironman. Occasionally offensive. Unintentionally (un)funny.


  1. OK – who is this hooker lady that stopped you mid-run just to be a barefoot running snob? RUDE. Also, I laugh HARD at people who jog in place vigorously when they have to stop to wait at a light or for a car or bike to pass. I mean really? CALM DOWN.

  2. You should know by now, Sarah is ALWAYS right!!! Especially when it comes to snow and Omaha!

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